Thursday, January 8, 2009

Kevin Rudd surrenders to China in fluent Mandarin

As Chinese tanks entered Canberra yesterday and ended the war of liberation of Australia from bourgeois British and American oppression, the former Prime Minister of Australia broadcast a surrender to our new Chinese Communist masters in what President Hu Jintao praised as “flawless, idiomatic Mandarin.”

Rudd's linguistic and diplomatic skills were put to a stern test as he negotiated the terms of the surrender, and he drew on his grasp of Chinese history and culture to insist on certain terms that would otherwise not have been secured. For example, Australia's political class will not be executed as the Chinese negotiators initially demanded, but merely imprisoned in remote facilities in the Outback where they will work and be re-educated. Additionally, slave labourers tasked with extracting Australian mineral wealth for the benefit of the Middle Country's glorious industrial development will only work 16 hour days, negotiated down from 18 by Rudd, a staunch advocate of workers rights and industrial relations reform.

All glory to the Revolution! All glory to our new Chinese protectors! All glory to Kevin Rudd, governor of the Australian Special Economic Zone!

Monday, January 5, 2009

We no longer must brush our teeth

Top dental scientists said today that because of advances in Science it is no longer necessary to periodically brush one's teeth. Instead, in this bold new era, human teeth will maintain themselves in a state of toothy health and vitality without external intervention or application of tooth-cleaning substances.

At last we are free of the mundane ritual of brushing our teeth. The citizenry expressed surprise, shock and gratitude to the science-men and science-women and their mighty brains for achieving such a wondrous thing. More than one commentator suggested that finally, oranges will be safe to eat without fear of them tasting weird because of the lingering toothpaste.

Amidst the optimism, a note of sombre speculation: Ian Sonderton of Ryde asked “what will become of the minty fresh sensation one feels after brushing one's teeth? Is this a sensation our grandchildren will know only through history books and scholarly documentaries?”

Spokespeople for the toothbrush and toothpaste industries were also less than joyful at the news, saying that the science-people are liars and why do they lie so much. The toothbrush people suggested that perhaps caution is needed and you should keep brushing your teeth lest they rot and putrefy.

The people who put fluoride in the drinking water could not be reached for comment on these dental developments, but it is speculated that they will continue to undertake the adding of fluoride to our water for the good of us all. Perhaps they will branch out into adding other substances to the water but this remains unknown.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Shushing people in the library does not make you an arsehole

It's a library, for fuck's sake.

UNSW students should reintroduce the practice of hazing

Many students are finding it difficult at UNSW to integrate into the student community. There is a need for young students to find mentors who can help them grow into employable graduate adults.

Mentoring programs dreamed up by our Faculties are stilted, artificial and ineffective. This is because mentors who sign up are encouraged to be friendly.

What should happen is a reintroduction of hazing. Senior students should be given free rein to perform humiliating initiation rituals at the expense of new students, both for the enjoyment of the senior students and the naturally following emotional and social connections that are created by this shared experience.

This policy creates a contractual relationship between students: the new ones provide entertainment in consideration for a strong social bond that leads to tips on how to pass exams, where the good casual job vacancies are, who to play Streetfighter II with at the Roundhouse, etc. It is particularly important for Asian students, who have great difficulty making friends among non-Asian English speaking local students on their own.

There should be a licensing system to become a parent

A breakdown of my argument:

Many parents do not raise their children properly.

These children disrupt classrooms, steal things from small businesses, and become a burden on the state by either becoming indefinite welfare recipients or prison inmates.

This is a problem, and a solution to it is to reversibly sterilise all 12 year old males until they pass a mandatory parenting course and receive a license to conceive. The license should be issued by a simple majority of a board constituted by radical feminists and divorced single mothers. Rape victims optional.

This is ethically justified because there is no such thing as an absolute right to have children. The law puts the best interests of the child first, and it is clearly not in the best interests of a child to exist at all if it means existing as a douche-bag because of incompetent parents.


A friend of mine (I call him that) catered
To a petty side of me that got its fun
From tales of blown-up bigotry: bashed Lebs, hatred,
And the dumb-show of an Asian kid loading, firing a gun
At dole-bludgers, gay blokes: a hit-list from Taree,
Recited for a slightly shocked, slightly mocking kind
Of laughing audience; he got these mates for free.
But even then we must have known how blind
He'd let himself become; his chess a primary clue that stunned a
Hapless chum who thought he'd push a Queen
And lost - but saw the self-defeating Anaconda
That, scaled with booze and backslappers, slowly squeezed.
Terrible loneliness throwing kicks alludes
To a friend of mine, pants lowered, a fire in his pubes.